my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
