I wish my penis had an off switch
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
