I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
