my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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