my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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