i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
