the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
