I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
