i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
