I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
