Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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