Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
