I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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