Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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