my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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