Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
