why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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