Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
