I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
