I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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