it hurts more in the daytime
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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