yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
