Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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