Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
