Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
