Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
