Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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