I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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