Your tits are I can't wait for
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
