If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
