she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
