i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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