I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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