i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
