I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
