his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
