when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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