Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
