If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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