Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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