Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
