yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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