If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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