Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
