She announced her abortion via fbk
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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