I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
