your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
