What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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