he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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