Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
